My Heroine's Story

My Heroine's Story

I was asked once by Linda Fitch to share my hero's journey or as I am claiming it, my Heroine's journey. At first I didn't know what I would share about, but then I had a flash of remembering that when I was at Ricketts Glenn State Park, I saw this tree that was growing on top of bedrock. I was in awe of the roots going down and finding the earth and grounding. I could relate to growing out of the most improbable, challenging circumstances. When things look so bleak that there is the belief that there is no hope or chance of anything good becoming of it. That there is no chance of surviving it. And not only did I survive I began to thrive. And that is where I am in a constant flux of awareness, healing and co-creating consciously. This is a continuous journey.

I know where I found my center, my connection to Source, and had life breathed back into me was through ceremony.

When I found ceremony or should I say when ceremony found me I was a very lost, angry, hurt and I felt very unsafe in the world. I was invited to be a part of my friends wedding that included a Sweat Lodge. My first thoughts were, I am a hairdresser and could do your hair to be part of your big day. For I was a child of the concrete jungle, so I had no interest in being in nature or around dirt, that held no appeal to me. But my friend really wanted me to share in it all so I went ahead and choose to do it. That's the funny part of my journey, I have always (up to now) had to be tricked into what was in my highest good for Spirit. The reason for the trickery was I was very stubborn, had a very strong ego and my belief system was designed to believe that life was a struggle so I made things a lot harder than they needed to be a shift.

That first ceremony sitting in the Sweat Lodge, sitting in the dark and feeling the door/opening close on the lodge, I instantly began to cry. I cried a lot, a continuous flow through the entire experience. This is where I heard the voice of Spirit/Source for the first time say the words "You are Home". At the time I thought it was specific to Sweat Lodge but what I have come to learn through my 30 something years in ceremony, self discovery and healing is that home meant coming back to Source/Spirit and for me that connection is through ceremony. And for me that is a more indigenous ceremonial way of life. As I have shared, I have had many incarnations living in that way, so for me that was home, that was coming back to Source, COMING BACK TO SELF!

The true essence of Self is LOVE and that is an every growing journey for me, but it has been an amazing journey. The image I have shared was a beautiful reflection for me on how that tree grew upon the bedrock. It was symbolic for me. It revealed that even though my beliefs and conditioning made it challenging for me to get where I wanted to go or just to want to keep living, it also represented the strong foundation upon which for me to grow and stand strong. For me to stand in a way that is congruent with who my soul, my soul essence is.

I say this because at one of the lowest points of my life, besides my drug addiction, was at 23 I wanted to kill myself again. This time I knew I would be more successful than when I had attempted as a teenager. I reached out to my family what I was contemplating and went to a hospital for evaluation. I was diagnosed bipolar. I was lucky enough to find a therapist who shared with me with me that the things that I was able to accomplish in my life up to then, were made possible by this strong inner voice that always was there for guidance. I have come to know that voice is my Spirit/true essence of self that helped me quit drugs and would pick me up. That voice of Self was equally as strong at times as the voice of my trauma, as the voice of my pain, and as the voice of my conditioning.

We have choice in this life but sometimes our conditioning makes us believe we are choiceless because most of our belief systems are created before we are verbal. Think about that for a second before you can articulate or understand what is happening around you, you have been programmed/fated. This is why healing is an inside job, we need to look at what our operating systems and see if they align with what we want to create in our lives and the world.

So I will finish for now with this thought. I encourage you to say yes to the Spirit/Higher Self voice that lives within you, especially when situations may make you feel uncomfortable because that is where the juice is, that is the SWEET NECTAR OF LIFE.

If you want to go deeper do some journaling and ask what is your hearts desires, your dreams and then check in to see if your thoughts, feelings and words are in alignment with that vision/creation. Just take note for now and create awareness not judgment of Self.

Much munay

Candy